


I Don't Know What I Want

by Spazzo47



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Newsroom Fanfiction Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24815977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spazzo47/pseuds/Spazzo47
Summary: May 2016 Fan Fiction Challenge -- AU after Season 1This is set right after Season 1 ended and kind of overlaps some of the first episode of season 2.  But takes it in a different direction.
Relationships: Don Keefer/Sloan Sabbith, Jim Harper/Maggie Jordan, Maggie Jordan/Don Keefer, Will McAvoy/MacKenzie McHale
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	I Don't Know What I Want

“What _did_ the message say?”

Will looked across the desk and rolled his eye in exasperation. If he hasn’t answered that question yet, then obviously he had no intention of giving an answer. “Did I tell you that Neal may have caught the person who made the threat?”

“Yeah?”

“And then he did something and, now there’s another hundred death threats.”

“And your American Taliban statement didn’t have anything to do with that?”

Will scrunched up his face and shook his head. “Nah. That brought the hundred threats after that.”

“Will, what did the message say?”

“Don and Maggie are moving in together.”

“And you think that’s a good thing?”

“Beats the fuck out of me.” Will really didn’t care what happened to Don and Maggie. Well, that’s not entirely true, but it’s close enough. 

“Are you going to spend this entire hour not talking about it.”

“About what?” Will looked up as if he didn’t know the subject of the question.

“Why are you so afraid to talk about this?”

“There’s a rumor that Sloane said something to Don.” Will stopped for a second and said, “Because I didn’t mean it. I was high and ecstatic after… everything that happened that night and I didn’t mean it.”

“Actually, Will, the evidence would suggest you did mean it. Whether you can live with the consequences is the only question. What did you say?”

“What does it matter? She didn’t get the message so I’m off the hook.” Will looked across the desk at his sparring partner. “You don’t believe me.”

“Why don’t you want her to know what you said?”

Will ran his hand through his hair. “Because if I tell her that I said I loved her and take it back, then all I’ll accomplish is hurting her. And I don’t want to do that. Not hurting her is the one thing I can claim as my –”

Will didn’t get to finish, Dr. Habib started laughing. “You’re not being serious, are you?” Dr. Habib saw the surprise on his client’s face. 

Will felt defeated. How the fuck did Dr. Habib not know this already? He thought back to some of his... questionable choices. “Okay. Okay. I know why you might think I intentionally hurt her.”

“Will, you bought her a ring just to show her how serious you were. Even if you had bought her a ring before, you were an asshole for buying a new one.”

“I did.”

“You bought her a ring before?” Habib was genuinely surprised. He didn’t remember reading that in his father’s files and that would have made it into his files. 

“Yes, but that’s not the point. I didn’t buy it to hurt her, I bought it because I needed to defend myself.” He saw an unconvinced look on Habib’s face and said, “She was having me vetted, she was going to find out and come in questioning whether I was ever serious about her. And I had to let her know that I was.”

“Because you were an asshole.”

“Yes, because I was an asshole!” Quieter he added, “and because I couldn’t stand her thinking anything different. And maybe I could have told her without the ring, but I didn’t know if she’d believe me.”

Habib believed she would, but he didn’t want to press this any further. “You brought her ex-boyfriend to your job after you left the message.”

“I didn’t think she wanted me, so I thought that she could get back with him or see us together and remember why she thought I was the better man all those years ago.” Will collected his thoughts. “I hear myself. But at the time, I thought I was bringing in someone who I had something on. It was a win/win. And... you know, it doesn’t matter what I thought.”

Dr. Habib took a second to put together what he didn’t want to say. “If she would have gotten back with him, then you’d be able to say she never loved you the way she said, and if she didn’t, what did you think that would mean?”

“You make it sound like I primarily brought him in to test her.”

“Didn’t you?”

Will stopped to consider his answer. “I needed good PR and I thought he would be a vehicle for that. And, yeah, I hoped that something would happen between them because it would let me off the hook.”

“But it didn’t.”

“And I still can’t act on it. I still can’t trust her. She may not ever go back with Brian, but that doesn’t mean that if Wade showed some interest or... you know, she’s an attractive woman. I can’t imagine another man not wanting her and she could...”

Habib felt like he was running in circles with Will and wanted to get them back to something. “So you don’t love her. You lied on the message and you got away with it. Now what?”

“Things go back to the way they were before she knew there was a message. She’ll forget about it sometime. Get tired of asking. I’m more stubborn than she is.”

“You could tell her some bullshit that she was extraordinary that night and that was it.”

Will quickly dismissed the idea. “I can’t lie to her. She’ll know right away.”

“What do you tell her when she asks now?”

“I tell her I don’t remember. And because she knows that I’m lying she keeps asking.”

Jacob Habib realized that he had a small headache at the beginning of this conversation and ten minutes later, it was no longer so small. He looked at his watch and realized he had 40 more minutes with this client. “You know Will, you’re still hurting her now. You’ve got her in this weird holding pattern where she’s hopeful that something can happen but doesn’t know for sure if it can.”

“I’m not sending mixed messages, I’ve told her –”

“That you love her? Even if she didn’t get the message? She knows when you’re lying, so I have to assume that she knows when you’re in love even if you don’t say it. If you really can’t commit to her, then you need to say that directly and live with the consequences. Because a temporary hurt will be better than stringing her along forever.”

**********

Sloane looked in the mirror at her apartment wondering what made her tell Don that she was only single because he hadn’t asked her out. It was a joke. And he had to know that. He’s with Maggie for God’s sake. At least she thinks he is. She’s never really sure, no one is. It’s obvious that Maggie wants to be with Jim and Jim wants to be with Don... Maggie. She wants to be with Don. Except she doesn’t. It was a joke. And he knows that. Right? He should know that. 

Sloane Sabbith has been dating football players since she was the first person in her class to get breasts. That doesn’t exactly mean that she doesn’t want to date Don. But everyone has a type. And football players are hers. Boring lawyers are Mac’s. Maggie goes for just plain boring, but she went a little out of her league with Don. Or did she? They never fit right. That was, or is, who can keep track? Don and Maggie never fit right. He’s not boring enough for her. And he just wanted a trophy girlfriend, someone that he could take to dinner and everyone would think the right thing. 

What would people think if Don took Sloane to dinner? She would obviously be a delight, regaling rooms with stories that society snobs would never dream could happen in real life. Not that she cared, but they’d all love her. But what she said was just a joke. And he must know that. Right? Of course he knows. He’s done this before. She’s just glad Maggie didn’t hear her because Maggie wouldn’t understand and she’d get jealous and a jealous Maggie would be annoying, especially since it was just a joke. 

First time she sees Don today she will tell him that it was just a joke and everything will go on the way it always had. 

Or maybe she doesn’t need to tell him, because he knows. He has to know. 

***********

Jim watched Maggie and Don. He could blow up their relationship. He could have when the flowers came for him weeks ago. Instead he did the noble thing and gave them to Will for no fucking reason. He needs to get out of here and he’s got an excuse. Ben has a broken leg and can’t follow Romney around. He’s in charge of the assignments. He only has one choice, really. And Mac would understand, she did the same thing. Will broke up with her and she ran to a war zone. This is far less dangerous. 

He knocked on Mac’s door and let himself in. He told her that he wanted to cover for Ben and she gave him a look like she’d never heard anything as stupid in her life. “Mac, fire me, or let me go.”

Mac looked at him and made up her mind. “I won’t do either. And do you know why?”

“Because you have some romantic notion about me and Maggie even though she’s going to move in with Don?”

“Because I don’t want you to make the mistake that I did.”

“What?” Jim found himself genuinely surprised. 

“I thought it was over Jim, so I left to hide instead of facing the consequences of what I did. And where has it gotten me?” Mac didn’t stop talking long enough for Jim to say what he wanted, “It got me back here where I have to face him anyway and constantly wonder what could have been. That won’t be you, Jim. Not on my watch.”

“She doesn’t want me, she wants Don. She’s moving in with him. It’s a different situation.”

“I thought that too. I mean, not about Don, but you know what I mean. And now he left me a message and he won’t tell me what it said and so you know what that means that it said, but he can’t say it again because he hasn’t eaten enough cookies.” Mac had started pacing so she didn’t see the look on confusion that Jim gave her. “They say that when you’re wasted, you only say what you really think, so if he did say it that night --”

“Wait, are you wasted right now?”

Mac didn’t even take a breath. “No! I’m stone cold sober, he was wasted and now he has to come around and realize that he told me the truth and I just didn’t hear it.”

“I’m going back to my desk, Mac. I’m going to call Jerry Dantana to come up here and then I’m getting on the Romney bus.”

“No, Jim, you’re going to have a conversation with Maggie and find a way to work together. After you put together a group to talk about drones on the air tonight.”

Mac watched Jim sulk back to his desk. She did good work, but she wasn’t done. Before she could ask Maggie into her office, Neal and Lonnie walked in from the elevator. Lonny looked in Will’s office to see that he wasn't there. 

“Can I help you?”

“Where’s McAvoy?”

Mac looked surprised. “I thought he was with you.” She looked at Neal, “not you, him.”

Neal smirked a little, “I thought so.”

Lonny said under his breath, “Son of a bitch, he was supposed to stay here. You brief her on what just happened, I need to find McAvoy.”

Neal followed his boss into her office and once she sat down, he started. “I told you before that we found them. Lonny and I went to the FBI and gave them all the information we had, and they are planning to track the ISPs and make some arrests.”

Mac looked like she was struggling to follow him. “Does that mean Will is in the clear now?”

“Not exactly, but he should be soon. Apparently, the FBI has orders to not let anything happen to national personalities.”

“I’m sure Will will love knowing that he’s now under FBI protection. Did Lonny tell you anything about the threats from the American Taliban comment?”

“I don’t think those will be considered credible.”

Mac nodded her head. “The faceless mob. Right.”

Neal smiled at his boss, “You sound disappointed that no one will be killing him.”

“Just hoping that in the face of his own mortality, maybe he will have to admit to some truths.”

Neal didn’t know what she was talking about but decided that was his cue to leave. 

Mac left her office and tapped Maggie on the shoulder, signaling her to come to Mac’s office. Once settled, Mac smiled at the young producer. “So, I heard a rumor that you’re moving in with Don.”

Mac watched Maggie’s eyes get big. “You did?”

“Maggie, it’s a small office. I think we all know more about each other than we want.” Mac stopped and considered asking if she’d heard about Will’s phone call but decided against it. “I just want to make sure that you’re sure you’re making the right decision. I was with the wrong man when the right one was right in front of me.”

“You mean, Will?”

“Of course I mean Will.” Maggie’s face let Mac know that Will hadn’t treated her much better than Don treated Maggie. “He wasn’t always like you see him now.”

“Don’s ready to make a commitment and so am I. We’re… happy together.”

“And you’re sure there’s no one else that you might wonder what if?”

Maggie started feeling defensive. “I’m with Don and Jim’s with Lisa. Everyone has a match.”

“But does everyone have the right match?” Mac looked at Maggie and realized she crossed a line. She took a deep breath and tried again. “Maggie, I’m only saying this because I care about you. And Don. And Jim. No one wants to be in a bad relationship, because when they end, there’s something residual that stops you from moving forward completely. And if you’re not careful, it can ruin your happy ending. If you think what you have with Don is good, then go for it and be happy. But if you have any questions about that, then, just hit the pause button and tell him why. It’ll hurt less later.” 

Mac saw tears welling up in Maggie’s eyes as she stood and thanked the older woman and left. 

Jim saw Maggie go into Mac’s office and kept watching the door for a hint at what might be happening in there. When he saw Maggie come out, he immediately went to her side and asked her to follow him and talk about a story. He ushered her to the staircase where he thought they might have some privacy. 

“Are you okay?”

“Mac doesn’t think I should move in with Don.”

Jim put his arms around her and held her close. “Do you… think she’s right?”

“I don’t know. I’ve always wanted him to get serious and now he is. But you came to see me that night, not Lisa and everything on the bus. And if I tell Don or Lisa then I hurt both of them. And I don’t want to do that.”

Jim looked at her confused. “Is that why you’re moving in with Don? Because you don’t want to hurt him or Lisa?”

“No, I mean, partly. But, I don’t know.”

“Did you consider that watching you two would hurt me? Knowing that you said you wanted me, but watching you choose him hurts me every time I see you together.”

“I don’t want to hurt you either. You’re the one I want to be with, but Lisa—”

“Who gives a fuck about Lisa. Move in with Don, don’t move in with Don, I don’t care, but I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want. And then go after that.” Jim started to walk away, but before he opened the door he turned to her and said, “You’ll always be that naïve college girl who thought it was better to hide under the bed then then show a little self-respect.”

Maggie watched him leave and sat on one of the steps and cried. 

********

“So, Maggie.” Sloane didn’t know how to talk to Don. She had decided that he must know she was just kidding with her line, but wanted to be absolutely sure.

“Yep, she’s moving in over the weekend. And I’m happy.”

“Well, that’s… great. I’m happy for you. Both of you.” Sloane read his face as wondering where this was going. “I just wanted to… you know… make sure you knew that when I said I was single because you hadn’t asked me out.”

“It was a line. I got that. You’ve been dating football players since, probably since your school had a team. I got it.”

“Well, it’s not like I’m out of your league or anything. It’s just, you know. I wanted you to know that I’m… happy for you and Maggie.” She added, “Really.”

Don smiled and clapped her on the shoulder, “Well thanks. I need to get to a rundown meeting.”

As Don left, Sloane noticed the elevator open with Lonny and Will on the other side. Lonny immediately made his way toward Sloane, which got an eyeroll from Will. Will walked into his office, not noticing that Mac opened the door to hers and followed him. When Will turned to sit behind his desk he saw Mac standing across from him. 

“Have you ever felt like this office is like an episode of _Laugh In_? People just pop in and out indiscriminately.”

“You didn’t know I came in?”

Will mumbled under his breath, “No, but I guess I should have assumed.”

“I just told Maggie that she needs to figure out what she wants and go after it.”

“You told that to Maggie, who is going to move in with Don?”

“She hasn’t yet, so there’s still time.”

Will rolled his eyes again, “How many lives must you ruin before you get out of the life ruining business?”

“I’m just telling people the truth.”

“And now everybody has to sit around uncomfortably until you get the ending you think will make everyone happy. You know Lonny’s out there talking to Sloane, you may want to end that conversation if Don and Sloane are your endgame.”

Mac looked out there and saw the two. “She’s not ready to settle down with Don yet. We’ll let them see where that goes.”

“Of course. Did you have a reason for coming in here?”

“Lonny was upset that you left without him. Again. Where’d you go?”

“I had an appointment.”

“With Dr. Habib?”

Will shook his head. “Are you keeping track of my calendar now? Yes with Dr. Habib.”

“So, what did you talk about?”

“Aren’t there HIPAA or HR laws you should be concerned about?”

“HIPAA says he can’t tell me what you said. And since when do you care about HR etiquette? Did you tell him what the message said?”

“I don’t remember. I’ve told you that.” Will wanted to be irritated, but he found it cute. He had to be careful with that though, he couldn’t commit. He didn’t know if he could look her in the eye and say that. Especially when she was like this. “Don’t you have some work to do?”

**********

Don and Maggie went back to his place and got ready for bed, Don smiling and telling himself how happy he was that this would be a permanent arrangement. As they settled in, Maggie looked at him. He had a big goofy grin on his face, but he didn’t know that she was in hell. She wasn’t sure that he looked at her for more than a couple cumulative minutes since they got up this morning. 

“Don, I have to tell you the truth about something that happened. And I’m sorry. I was confused. You had just told me about the people you saw when we were broken up and then you decided that you wanted to move in and make a commitment and… I don’t know. It just happened.”

“What?”

“I kissed Jim. I had a fight with Lisa and then I yelled at a Sex and the City bus and…”

“A Sex and the City bus?”

“And Jim was there, and he saw me and chased me and then we kissed. And I can’t move in with you because I’m still a naïve college girl who will lay under a bed instead of letting her date’s ex know that she’s there.”

“Wow! That’s a lot of information.” Don put his head back and tried to sort through everything she just said. “You love Jim?”

“Don, no. At least I don’t think so. I don’t know. I thought I wanted to be with you. I did.”

“Maggie, Maggie. It’s okay. You haven’t moved in yet, you can go back to Lisa’s apartment and figure out what you want.”

“What if I don’t know what I want?”

“You’ll have a lot of time to figure it out.”

**********

When Will got home, he immediately went to his refrigerator to make his “not an Egg McMuffin” sandwich. Now he uses pancakes instead of English muffins so it doesn’t seem too much like a McDonalds snack. Before getting to his fridge, he saw the plate with left over cookies. He’d eaten some pieces sporadically, but had rationed them so he wouldn’t get too buzzed all at once. But as he looked at them he remembered what Habib said. He had to shit or get off the pot. He didn’t want to hurt Mac again, but he suspected that he’d hurt her either way. If he had the cookies, then he could blame it on them, soften the blow a little. 

He had the last two and a half cookies and went outside to smoke and listen to some music. Once he felt nice and calm, he picked up his phone and called Mackenzie. 

“What time do you think I go to sleep?”

“Sleeping is for the women who aren’t as naturally as beautiful as you.”

“Well an ass like you can’t have enough, getting some sleep will help with your disposition.”

“My ass is just fine and you know it.”

Mackenzie smiled. He was high and she knew it, but she always had fun talking to him when he was like this. She could get away with more than she could otherwise. “As I remember, it was more than just fine.”

“You fishing to get a look at it?”

“Are you going to tell Lonny to bring you over?”

“I have memories too, you know.” Will took a deep breath, “I remember what I said on the message. I said, “Mac, it’s me, Will. Listen. I swear I’m not saying this because I’m high and if the answer is no then just do me a favor and don’t call me back or bring it up again or anything. But I have to tell you, that after tonight, I really want to tell you that I never stopped loving you. Can you believe we got Obama?” Will felt the silence and after what felt like hours, he said, “Mac? Did Reese steal this message too?”

“No. I’m still here. Are you telling me this because you’re high right now?”

“I am high right now. I needed to get high to tell you that again and to tell you --” Will stopped. He didn’t know why the words wouldn’t come out, but they didn’t. He wanted to tell her that he loves her, but he doesn’t trust her, not the way that he needs to for them to be together.

“You needed to get high to tell me what else?”

Somewhere in his drug addled mind, Will knew that he needed to tell her the rest, and that if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to tell her when he’s sober. He reached for another bite of cookie, but he already ate it all. “I wanted to tell you that you also have a perfect ass.” Even he winced at that. 

“Is that what you really wanted to say, Will?”

“No, but it is true.”

Mac didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Tomorrow, when you remember this phone call, are you going to take it back?”

“Not the part about your ass.”

“Thank you. But what about the thing that you only say when you’re high?”

“It never stopped being true, Mac, and I don’t think it ever will. But I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if I can trust you like I need to. So, if you need to move forward in your life, I understand. But I don’t want you to.”

Mac thought for a second. The night they got Bin Laden, Will had moments of perfect clarity and brilliance as well as moments that reminded her of that _Dumb and Dumber_ movie that he liked so much. This seemed to be one of the former. “Can we work on it? The trust? Maybe try going on a few dates and see what happens? We can start slow and work our way through it.”

“So, I don’t get to see your perfect ass?”

“Not until you’re ready. Can we try that?”

Will tried to run his hand over his face, but missed. Finally he said, “yeah. Let’s try that. Pick you up at your office tomorrow and I can get us a table at that French place you liked.”

“That sounds lovely.”


End file.
